Masters 2010:
18 Jul East Region Open Water Championships
18 Sep NEC Masters - Middlesborough - Entry Form
29-31 Oct ASA SC Nationals
?? Dec South Yorkshires
Running:
Tri:
The Faulty Flipper is the informal home of the BOK Masters Squad. Masters swimming is for adult swimmers who do not mind getting their hair wet, want to get very fit, and to swim hard hoping to improve technique, get a bit faster, and have a laugh between gasps for air.

Weather

Weather observation for Huddersfield at 22:00 BST.

Temperature: 16°C
Wind Direction: E
Wind Speed: 21mph
Relative Humidity: 69%
Pressure: 1003mb falling
Visibility: Good

Weather information derived from data from bbc.co.uk.

The Faulty Flipper April 2002

The Faulty Flipper, April 2002,
BOK Masters Swimming Squad Unofficial Newsletter
“We Boggle Belief”
Dobson and Watson
The full story will follow, but we must congratulate Lisa Dobson, and Vicky Watson on their triumphs at the World Masters Championships in New Zealand.
Vicky, as perhaps we have come to expect won silver in the 50m fly, and Lisa won Gold in the 100m breaststroke, and Bronze in the 200m Breast stroke.
Swimline
Having been away from swimming for some years, I was pleased to see that the ASA have become a little further engaged with that topic which in the past has been a source of fear, sweeping under the carpet, and despair. Child abuse in sport. They have, working with the NSPCC created ‘SwimLine’ a hot-line for disclosing incidents of child sex-abuse in swimming. A copy of the ASA’s full note about SwimLine is enclosed below.
Some years ago, I came across what was, by then, an historical incident locally. Some thought had already been given to how these matters should be dealt with, but I remember how, even as a professional working in these matters from time to time, it was difficult to get hold of the information I needed.
It also became clear just how very difficult these things are to handle from everybody’s point of view. Emotions rapidly put all objectivity at risk, and the people involved who might have responsibility for sorting things out have only limited things to do. In any event, I am pleased to say that things have moved on over the last few years.
The service is provided for anyone involved in swimming, including children and young people who believe that the welfare of a young child is at risk. This could be neglect or abuse, bullying or fear of someone, or anything that is worrying you and you don’t know who to discuss it with.
What happens if you call?
When you ring, you will hear a message. This will explain that you wish to speak to someone urgently or it would not be convenient for someone to call you back – you can press a number to transfer straight to the NSPCC Child Protection Helpline. This will be answered by trained and experienced counsellors who will advise you and act to protect children.
If there is a problem with someone calling you back and you wish to speak to someone who understands swimming, you will need to leave your telephone number and time when it is convenient for one of the Child Protection Group to ring. These people are members of swimming clubs who work in child welfare as a profession and have volunteered to help this ASA programme.
If there is an issue which causes concern the ASA will act to protect the child.
SwimLine calls are free and do not appear on itemised bills unless the call is made from a mobile phone. SwimLine does not use the 1471 code or any other call return or call display facility.
If you leave a message we aim to ring back during the next working day. If you phone over the weekend, we will aim to contact you on Monday.
Swim-line Numbers
SwimLine 0808 100 4001
NSPCC Child Protection Helpline direct: 0808 800 5000 – (open 24 hours a day and calls are free).
Textphone: 0800 056 0566
Comments and suggestions on how we can improve this service are welcome.
“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” –Rita Mae Brown
News
21 March 2002
A young American, Aaron Peirsol, a teenager has broken the World Record for 200m back stroke. The new time of 1m 55.15s was set at the 2002 US Spring National Championships, breaking the 1999 record of Lenny Krayzelburg.
21 March 2002
Ian Thorpe has done it again. He has broken the 200m Free world record. He now holds eight out of the fastest ever ten 200m swims
15 March 2002
Bits from the BOK newsletter
1) The Club handbook is now available. I do not know if we ever get them. We are told to ask Martin Mosey if your Rep’ has run away.
2) Easter approacheth. We will not (so far as I can see) lose any training sessions. Watch this space
3) Training fees go up by a pound a month from April.
13 March 2002
Readers will note the ‘Flash’ movie at the top of recent pages. These are at the specific request of TnT Thewlis, who it seems likes jiggly bits … at least I think that was what he meant.
13 March 202
Just to say best of luck to Vicky Watson and her cohort as they trawl the Southern Oceans in search of Gold. Vicky has gone off to New Zealand (Land of the Lord of The Rings) and the World Masters Swimming Championships. We did think we were going to lose Vicky to Sheffield, and it true that most of her trainiing is now down in Sheffield, but she assures me that if she is wearing a swimming cap when she wins the gold, it will be a BOK swimming hat.
GOOD LUCK VICKY
12 March 2002
The parking saga – again
In a twist of fate nearly as contorted as a tumble turn from Gill Floyd, the parking saga took another uncertain turn. It is now asserted that the clampers were acting unlawfully all along. It is correct that the clamping company and trustees had agreed to lease the land to the clampers for this purpose, but the trustees solicitors had not received the documentation from the clamperswhich would allow anyone to complete the transaction. It is therefore said that the clampers were themselves not lawfully in possession when they clamped our local hero/chump.
Speaking quietly as a lawyer, I do not think our chap is yet entirely and surely on firm ground. The basis of the ability of the clamper to clamp is not in an assertion that he has exclusive right to control the land. It is rather in the consent to clamping which is deemed to have been given by the driver when he parks his car next to a sign saying ‘Don’t park here unless you want me to clamp you’ That consent has nothing directly to do with ownership. The best our chap can do is to say that his consent, so far as it is deemed at all, was obtained by a deception as to whether the clamping company had the authority of the owners of the land.
At the next level of complexity, you might argue about whether the ostensible authority of the trustees is sufficient. However at this stage, thoughts of fairies dancing on a pinhead and disappearing up somebody’s bottom somewhat muddy the picture.
The best advice to the offended motorist still is, as it would have been from the start, to pay up and to move on. Avoid lawyers, and avoid the courts. For those interested in a bit of law about this, see Wheel Clampers Bite the Dust.
13 March 2002
Some will know of my car. It has not quite reached the heights of being an icon, having yet quite to complete its full exploration of the depths of being a ship-wreck. If it ever does ascend, it is unlikely to find the status of ‘work-of-art’ on the way.
Never mind. On Saturday mornings I used to park it at the rear of the Sports Centre in the car park of an empty office. Never more. This parking space has been taken by another and just-as-evil-as-the-last car clamping outfit. They achieved the status of complete notoriety by managing to charge one poor chap over £1,300.00 (as it now stands). He was collecting his daughter from the sports centre at 7:00pm at night. He says he parked the car for 5 minutes only, and came back to find it clamped.
The biggest, and saddest, irony is that this is all at the behest of a ‘trust’ acting under the wing of our beloved Kirklees Metropolitan Council to promote the arts. Kirklees Music School. It seems they might have been more interested in the black arts.
Car clamping is genuinely one of the most hateful occupations known to man. It has nothing at all to do with protecting space for use by those propely entitled. It has everything to do with making as much money as possible without actually signing a pact with the devil.
It might be thought that because the nice people at the arts trust do not themselves do the clamping, they some how feel they are distanced from the moral blame. They are not. They choose to hide their greed behind others whose backs are broad, and whose skin is necessarily thick. Whatever distance they chose to pretend to, it was not enough.
It has now been decided by the trustees to terminate the arrangement with NPC, the clamping company. Until te situation is quite clear, it may be sensible to park elsewhere.
5 March 2002
Thorpe turns over a new stroke
Ian Thorpe has decided that he domination of the world of swimming is incomplete. He has turned over, and started to swim back stroke. He has probably swum it before, I know, but still it seems a mite egregious, he says he wants to go for seven gold medals at the Commonwealth games in Manchester this year, including medals at back-stroke.
Passing Thoughts
Passing thoughts are those moments of clarity, confusion, jealousy and triumph, which occur to you as you pass by, or are passed by, somebody else as you trundle up and down. Here are one or two.
You know how, when asked to swim 400 metres, you just know that you will miscount it. The challenge of moving arms and legs and brain all at the same time is just too much. I sometimes think that every lane swims along waiting for another lane to have clearly finished and to have piled up against the wall, so that you know when to stop. One day every lane will do this, and we will never stop.
Dangerous Dave seems to have found his own way of dealing with this conundrum. Sometime, at any point after 200 metres, he will pull up – it does not matter where – he is perfectly capable of treading water – and pause for thought. I am sure I saw him the other morning stopping two thirds the way down the length, pulling up, raising his fingers before his face, and counting off the lengths. Perhaps he thinks that giving only ten fingers was God’s way of saying that anything above 200 metres is an abomination, and the work of the devil.
He might just be right.
British Masters Rankings
These rankings have been obtained from the web-site Masters Top Ten rankings site. Well worth a visit. If you want to see any particular rankings, for any particular reason, whatever that may be, just ask.
50   M.  BRST  WOMEN  25-29
34.59 CHARLOTTE MUSTARD GBR
34.82 HEIDI BELL-WEST   GBR
35.55 SALLY DEARDEN     GBR
36.00 HAYLEY BIRD       GBR
36.99 ANNABEL CARTER    GBR
37.18 SIOBHAN HARTLEY   GBR
37.23 SUSAN AINSWORTH   GBR
37.87 KAREN COOPER      GBR
38.55 CLAIRE DUFFY      GBR
39.22 SUE FAWN          GBR
100  M.  BRST  WOMEN  25-29
1:15.31 CHARLOTTE MUSTARD GBR
1:17.53 SALLY DEARDEN     GBR
1:18.59 JACKIE THOMPSON   GBR
1:20.68 HEIDI BELL-WEST   GBR
1:22.42 SUSAN AINSWORTH   GBR
1:22.42 CLAIRE DUFFY      GBR
1:23.69 SUE FAWN          GBR
1:24.04 SIOBHAN HARTLEY   GBR
1:24.67 LISA CARTER       GBR
1:25.46 KAREN COOPER      GBR
200  M.  BRST  M E N  25-29
2:31.43 GARY COETZEE      GBR
2:34.02 KEITH MILBURN     GBR
2:35.22 MATTHEW DRISCOLL  GBR
2:35.91 DAVID RUSSELL     GBR
2:42.81 NIGEL MASTERS     GBR
2:43.61 NEIL KEMP         GBR
2:49.51 KEITH DUNNET      GBR
2:49.94 TREVOR COOK       GBR
2:54.30 SIMON HARRISON    GBR
2:57.10 MYLES CARTER      GBR
100  M.  BRST  M E N  25-29
1:04.11 JAMES PARRACK     GBR
1:09.88 GAVIN DOUGHTY     GBR
1:10.83 GARY COETZEE      GBR
1:11.05 KEITH MILBURN     GBR
1:11.43 ANDREW WILLIAMS.  GBR
1:11.74 EUAN STEWART      GBR
1:12.26 NEIL KEMP         GBR
1:13.05 MATTHEW ROBINSON  GBR
1:13.06 NIGEL MASTERS     GBR
1:16.45 MYLES CARTER      GBR
Oor Ecky …
I have this Irish lawyer friend. That’s my excuse, and that’s all you’ll get.
The structure of this section is simple. The jokes descend in taste with the page. If at any point you begin to get sick, or even just disheartened, stop, and read no further.
If …
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
then …. my son …
then you are probably the family dog
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks
“And get me a whisky you cow!”
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls
“And get me another whisky you bitch”.
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky – but still no coffee.
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky – but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach:
“I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick your ass”.
Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says
“For someone with no wings, you’re a lippy bastard!”
From an Irish friend after their recent rugby drubbing …
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
A true Ecky …
What one thing about T told you that two things about S told you that S was cold.
Hint – all three were small, and relatively pointy.
Wrightisms
…familiar with the work of Steven Wright ?
He’s the chap who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…….and replaced by exact duplicates … and also.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case…coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism ;To steal from many is research.
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked Posh .
“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Posh.
The driver replied:
“I’m Victoria Beckham’s driver, and I just killed the cow.”
——————————————————————————–
This web-site, and, except where stated otherwise, its’ contents, are the work of David Swarbrick. Other contributions as acknowledged. I speak not on behalf of BOK, nor BOK Masters, nor indeed for anyone. All compliments and or complaints to David Swarbrick. Contact David by e-mail at david.swarbrick@blueyonder.co.uk.
http://www.faultyflipper.freeuk.com/ff0203.html
Created: 6 April 2002
Updated: 6 April 2002
Coach: George Worthington. Statistics: Jane Donarski. Editor/Publisher: David Swarbrick. Contributions from Jimmy (Riddles) Whitwell, Martin Andersen, Julia (though she denies it), and Gemma Hey (someday – soon – very soon – honest. OK I give up.)

The Faulty Flipper, April 2002, BOK Masters Swimming Squad Unofficial Newsletter
“We Boggle Belief”
Dobson and WatsonThe full story will follow, but we must congratulate Lisa Dobson, and Vicky Watson on their triumphs at the World Masters Championships in New Zealand.
Vicky, as perhaps we have come to expect won silver in the 50m fly, and Lisa won Gold in the 100m breaststroke, and Bronze in the 200m Breast stroke.
Swimline
Having been away from swimming for some years, I was pleased to see that the ASA have become a little further engaged with that topic which in the past has been a source of fear, sweeping under the carpet, and despair. Child abuse in sport. They have, working with the NSPCC created ‘SwimLine’ a hot-line for disclosing incidents of child sex-abuse in swimming. A copy of the ASA’s full note about SwimLine is enclosed below.
Some years ago, I came across what was, by then, an historical incident locally. Some thought had already been given to how these matters should be dealt with, but I remember how, even as a professional working in these matters from time to time, it was difficult to get hold of the information I needed.
It also became clear just how very difficult these things are to handle from everybody’s point of view. Emotions rapidly put all objectivity at risk, and the people involved who might have responsibility for sorting things out have only limited things to do. In any event, I am pleased to say that things have moved on over the last few years.
The service is provided for anyone involved in swimming, including children and young people who believe that the welfare of a young child is at risk. This could be neglect or abuse, bullying or fear of someone, or anything that is worrying you and you don’t know who to discuss it with.
What happens if you call?
When you ring, you will hear a message. This will explain that you wish to speak to someone urgently or it would not be convenient for someone to call you back – you can press a number to transfer straight to the NSPCC Child Protection Helpline. This will be answered by trained and experienced counsellors who will advise you and act to protect children.
If there is a problem with someone calling you back and you wish to speak to someone who understands swimming, you will need to leave your telephone number and time when it is convenient for one of the Child Protection Group to ring. These people are members of swimming clubs who work in child welfare as a profession and have volunteered to help this ASA programme.
If there is an issue which causes concern the ASA will act to protect the child.
SwimLine calls are free and do not appear on itemised bills unless the call is made from a mobile phone. SwimLine does not use the 1471 code or any other call return or call display facility.
If you leave a message we aim to ring back during the next working day. If you phone over the weekend, we will aim to contact you on Monday.
Swim-line Numbers
SwimLine 0808 100 4001
NSPCC Child Protection Helpline direct: 0808 800 5000 – (open 24 hours a day and calls are free).
Textphone: 0800 056 0566
Comments and suggestions on how we can improve this service are welcome.
“I think the reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself.” –Rita Mae Brown
News21 March 2002A young American, Aaron Peirsol, a teenager has broken the World Record for 200m back stroke. The new time of 1m 55.15s was set at the 2002 US Spring National Championships, breaking the 1999 record of Lenny Krayzelburg.  21 March 2002Ian Thorpe has done it again. He has broken the 200m Free world record. He now holds eight out of the fastest ever ten 200m swims 15 March 2002Bits from the BOK newsletter 1) The Club handbook is now available. I do not know if we ever get them. We are told to ask Martin Mosey if your Rep’ has run away.
2) Easter approacheth. We will not (so far as I can see) lose any training sessions. Watch this space
3) Training fees go up by a pound a month from April.
13 March 2002Readers will note the ‘Flash’ movie at the top of recent pages. These are at the specific request of TnT Thewlis, who it seems likes jiggly bits … at least I think that was what he meant. 13 March 202Just to say best of luck to Vicky Watson and her cohort as they trawl the Southern Oceans in search of Gold. Vicky has gone off to New Zealand (Land of the Lord of The Rings) and the World Masters Swimming Championships. We did think we were going to lose Vicky to Sheffield, and it true that most of her trainiing is now down in Sheffield, but she assures me that if she is wearing a swimming cap when she wins the gold, it will be a BOK swimming hat. GOOD LUCK VICKY 12 March 2002The parking saga – againIn a twist of fate nearly as contorted as a tumble turn from Gill Floyd, the parking saga took another uncertain turn. It is now asserted that the clampers were acting unlawfully all along. It is correct that the clamping company and trustees had agreed to lease the land to the clampers for this purpose, but the trustees solicitors had not received the documentation from the clamperswhich would allow anyone to complete the transaction. It is therefore said that the clampers were themselves not lawfully in possession when they clamped our local hero/chump.
Speaking quietly as a lawyer, I do not think our chap is yet entirely and surely on firm ground. The basis of the ability of the clamper to clamp is not in an assertion that he has exclusive right to control the land. It is rather in the consent to clamping which is deemed to have been given by the driver when he parks his car next to a sign saying ‘Don’t park here unless you want me to clamp you’ That consent has nothing directly to do with ownership. The best our chap can do is to say that his consent, so far as it is deemed at all, was obtained by a deception as to whether the clamping company had the authority of the owners of the land.
At the next level of complexity, you might argue about whether the ostensible authority of the trustees is sufficient. However at this stage, thoughts of fairies dancing on a pinhead and disappearing up somebody’s bottom somewhat muddy the picture.
The best advice to the offended motorist still is, as it would have been from the start, to pay up and to move on. Avoid lawyers, and avoid the courts. For those interested in a bit of law about this, see Wheel Clampers Bite the Dust.
13 March 2002Some will know of my car. It has not quite reached the heights of being an icon, having yet quite to complete its full exploration of the depths of being a ship-wreck. If it ever does ascend, it is unlikely to find the status of ‘work-of-art’ on the way.
Never mind. On Saturday mornings I used to park it at the rear of the Sports Centre in the car park of an empty office. Never more. This parking space has been taken by another and just-as-evil-as-the-last car clamping outfit. They achieved the status of complete notoriety by managing to charge one poor chap over £1,300.00 (as it now stands). He was collecting his daughter from the sports centre at 7:00pm at night. He says he parked the car for 5 minutes only, and came back to find it clamped.
The biggest, and saddest, irony is that this is all at the behest of a ‘trust’ acting under the wing of our beloved Kirklees Metropolitan Council to promote the arts. Kirklees Music School. It seems they might have been more interested in the black arts.
Car clamping is genuinely one of the most hateful occupations known to man. It has nothing at all to do with protecting space for use by those propely entitled. It has everything to do with making as much money as possible without actually signing a pact with the devil.
It might be thought that because the nice people at the arts trust do not themselves do the clamping, they some how feel they are distanced from the moral blame. They are not. They choose to hide their greed behind others whose backs are broad, and whose skin is necessarily thick. Whatever distance they chose to pretend to, it was not enough.
It has now been decided by the trustees to terminate the arrangement with NPC, the clamping company. Until te situation is quite clear, it may be sensible to park elsewhere.

5 March 2002Thorpe turns over a new stroke Ian Thorpe has decided that he domination of the world of swimming is incomplete. He has turned over, and started to swim back stroke. He has probably swum it before, I know, but still it seems a mite egregious, he says he wants to go for seven gold medals at the Commonwealth games in Manchester this year, including medals at back-stroke.
Passing ThoughtsPassing thoughts are those moments of clarity, confusion, jealousy and triumph, which occur to you as you pass by, or are passed by, somebody else as you trundle up and down. Here are one or two.
You know how, when asked to swim 400 metres, you just know that you will miscount it. The challenge of moving arms and legs and brain all at the same time is just too much. I sometimes think that every lane swims along waiting for another lane to have clearly finished and to have piled up against the wall, so that you know when to stop. One day every lane will do this, and we will never stop.
Dangerous Dave seems to have found his own way of dealing with this conundrum. Sometime, at any point after 200 metres, he will pull up – it does not matter where – he is perfectly capable of treading water – and pause for thought. I am sure I saw him the other morning stopping two thirds the way down the length, pulling up, raising his fingers before his face, and counting off the lengths. Perhaps he thinks that giving only ten fingers was God’s way of saying that anything above 200 metres is an abomination, and the work of the devil.
He might just be right.
British Masters RankingsThese rankings have been obtained from the web-site Masters Top Ten rankings site. Well worth a visit. If you want to see any particular rankings, for any particular reason, whatever that may be, just ask.
50   M.  BRST  WOMEN  25-29
34.59 CHARLOTTE MUSTARD GBR   34.82 HEIDI BELL-WEST   GBR   35.55 SALLY DEARDEN     GBR   36.00 HAYLEY BIRD       GBR   36.99 ANNABEL CARTER    GBR   37.18 SIOBHAN HARTLEY   GBR   37.23 SUSAN AINSWORTH   GBR   37.87 KAREN COOPER      GBR   38.55 CLAIRE DUFFY      GBR   39.22 SUE FAWN          GBR
100  M.  BRST  WOMEN  25-29
1:15.31 CHARLOTTE MUSTARD GBR 1:17.53 SALLY DEARDEN     GBR 1:18.59 JACKIE THOMPSON   GBR 1:20.68 HEIDI BELL-WEST   GBR 1:22.42 SUSAN AINSWORTH   GBR 1:22.42 CLAIRE DUFFY      GBR 1:23.69 SUE FAWN          GBR 1:24.04 SIOBHAN HARTLEY   GBR 1:24.67 LISA CARTER       GBR 1:25.46 KAREN COOPER      GBR

200  M.  BRST  M E N  25-29
2:31.43 GARY COETZEE      GBR 2:34.02 KEITH MILBURN     GBR 2:35.22 MATTHEW DRISCOLL  GBR 2:35.91 DAVID RUSSELL     GBR 2:42.81 NIGEL MASTERS     GBR 2:43.61 NEIL KEMP         GBR 2:49.51 KEITH DUNNET      GBR 2:49.94 TREVOR COOK       GBR 2:54.30 SIMON HARRISON    GBR 2:57.10 MYLES CARTER      GBR
100  M.  BRST  M E N  25-29
1:04.11 JAMES PARRACK     GBR 1:09.88 GAVIN DOUGHTY     GBR 1:10.83 GARY COETZEE      GBR 1:11.05 KEITH MILBURN     GBR 1:11.43 ANDREW WILLIAMS.  GBR 1:11.74 EUAN STEWART      GBR 1:12.26 NEIL KEMP         GBR 1:13.05 MATTHEW ROBINSON  GBR 1:13.06 NIGEL MASTERS     GBR 1:16.45 MYLES CARTER      GBR
Oor Ecky …I have this Irish lawyer friend. That’s my excuse, and that’s all you’ll get.
The structure of this section is simple. The jokes descend in taste with the page. If at any point you begin to get sick, or even just disheartened, stop, and read no further.
If …
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things, then …. my son … then you are probably the family dog

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks
“And get me a whisky you cow!”
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls
“And get me another whisky you bitch”.
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky – but still no coffee.
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky – but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach:
“I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick your ass”.
Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says
“For someone with no wings, you’re a lippy bastard!”

From an Irish friend after their recent rugby drubbing …
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

A true Ecky …
What one thing about T told you that two things about S told you that S was cold.
Hint – all three were small, and relatively pointy.

Wrightisms
…familiar with the work of Steven Wright ?
He’s the chap who once said: “I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…….and replaced by exact duplicates … and also.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route. I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. The Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what’s the speed of dark? How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film. I intend to live forever – so far, so good. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case…coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism ;To steal from many is research.

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?” asked Posh .
“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Posh.
The driver replied:
“I’m Victoria Beckham’s driver, and I just killed the cow.”
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This web-site, and, except where stated otherwise, its’ contents, are the work of David Swarbrick. Other contributions as acknowledged. I speak not on behalf of BOK, nor BOK Masters, nor indeed for anyone. All compliments and or complaints to David Swarbrick. Contact David by e-mail at david.swarbrick@blueyonder.co.uk. http://www.faultyflipper.freeuk.com/ff0203.html Created: 6 April 2002 Updated: 6 April 2002 Coach: George Worthington. Statistics: Jane Donarski. Editor/Publisher: David Swarbrick. Contributions from Jimmy (Riddles) Whitwell, Martin Andersen, Julia (though she denies it), and Gemma Hey (someday – soon – very soon – honest. OK I give up.)

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